In the conciliation advice from ilyanna whom aided me after years of recent, seperation and seclusion from members of my past family to resolve what had been a damaged relationship, ended with both drama, closure, and forgiveness between us all.
"Give yourself permission she stated to be mad; hurt; angry; cry; allow yourself to be open to healing"
"Demand your peace, close open doors"
"State in 7 words what you wish to say in closure to them"
•That advice from just 15 minutes of listening to her had permanently changed our lives, and shaped the person I was back into being a child and man of God, both in a spiritual life and a mentally biracial American, rich, and edgucated, free life, and my reputation from the future past and of my past, of pasts, with women and men alike, others and myself respect alike.
, "I no longer wish to communicate together"
I give myself permission to heal connectively with my true self and being
The incident in which all this psychological and mental disfunctional trauma stems from is from at an early age, being a victim of sexual molestation, and never speaking about it, which caused me to in effect, to indulge in dangerous and inappropriate things, from being depressed to stealing and going to jail.
#"I would hang out with older boys who my brother was friends with, we'd all played and lived in the same town, so going to see them in the summers and when alone it was Kool, to hangout and talk and what not, do whatever. The relationship I have with myself has always been shaky and hard for me to take on my own, I have a strong heart for others and passion for helping others and loving them through coaching them in life; however I am myself not stable to commiting to love and receiving it for my own self. I tend to become overwhelemed easily and channel my feelings into writing and music\songs, and singing or composing. I have always sung and drawn for a closeness and connection of showing my love to my God, for him being just enough for my world and life to resolve through, so in times of all my ways I felt ill, I've always become hurt so greatly that I become emotionally distant, and my world becomes like a business of living life rather than just living and embracing more of what God has for me.
I never used to smoke, drink, steal, lie, cheat, dress up, drag, act gay or anything intentiously until after the incident occurred, and I say that, because I recall a time when we were about 7-8 years old and my brother was about 11-12 and we were alone at our house and had a friend over along with his older brother, both older than myself and the discussion of sex came up, and I recall them asking in context, about sleeping with girls, do I know how to, joking at the time I showed them and was ready because that's what I wanted to learn to be more a man as and like my older brother I wouldn't make the mistake of doing something to hurt us intentiously, so just to with a girl was my thought , nothing, and from that point on I think I had sex maybe four more times until the age of 14. Which I was not and didn't, mature, enough for. I was molested in those four occasions ,with different boys at the time all closer to my older siblings age and nearby friends, which created the mindset for me, being gay is fine when it comes to sex as for being able to when it's the way I would any female or girl in a non-religious context and not bringing God into the mindset at those moments. I. Again have always lived and grown up as a very open and closely spiritual millennial soul, just to a friend or a lover more closely than to a loved one.
So as simple as that would make things complicated to type , it was to talk about, to keep quiet, to understand, to recognize as wrong as a child, since I had a sibling and he had Sega. I lived most of my childhood, acting-out and outside of the best traits I had because if after I knew men and lived ones could hurt and lead me wrongly down a wrong path, I could thought die and God ask me about that and I have no words as to how the experience I have with him would feel and become, all because I felt lost, and didn't know who and how to tell anyone, something I didn't want to happen and that wasn't my fault happened, so how could I to the man who gives me life, explain¿
I spent years with low self esteem about everything I was, based on how when I identified myself I would feel disappointed and disgusted, which grows into anger. I was angry at my dad for not being around to let me tell him or and him to see his little boy was hurting and hurt, for being away at sea and partially in and out of my life, my whole childhood. I was mad at my mother for always wearing a hat made of ten smiles being a mother, trying to raise kids and work jobs and take care of home and trying to raise us with her own methods and not seeing or making clear she knew where my hurt was coming from and comforting me to recongintion of their being change and changes to be made, to come together and individually as parent to a different* child whom stood out , and was recognized to fit it | apart.
I became pissed at my brother and after months of being at my parents and writting it sort of eventually found the light of dark to realize my family is watching me go through this hurt and that must mean they are hurting to amass of dark anger that is therapy suggested to be fixed, and wasn't so I felt manipulated and probed into being a faggot as a reminded for when it would come to pass we went to therapy a angry nigger for when I was able to not write angrily and a sissy and simultaneously a man, in the presence of my father whom never missed a beat of my life and of my heart and it would work all the way out as nothing and dark, and inside me remain as light.
I became pissed at my brother when I realized that, around the age of 10+11 just a few years and months after, I had resented him for being what I felt was him being me and stuck in the same emotions of being hurt that we wronged our own believes we hurt our relationship, and from then we have never been close and never minded the broken clock hands and strings to our clocks in family unity as a unit, as a team, and as a brotherhood, and he stopped talking more and more became distant, and I stopped listening more and became cold.
I will say this, my brother and the bond between men is indistructable and I have always said I would lay myself before my ignorance and hatred to be by my brothers side in hard times and when the world would be clear for me to recognize him. I became pissed at him and let this go before we last spoke , about having to ever build a shallow wall of fear to separate myself in femininely thurough ways, just to understand him. I am who I am, and I have since childhood never opened fully myself up to knowing anyone, including the mindset of those who I call family.
I would at times become so defeated that I would just sing for hours and hours, or play by myself for hours outside. I have COPD\angina and I know it's caused from a lack of oxygen through my heart, from years of suppressing tears and crying and stain from labor. The measure of just the music I constantly sung was very mature, wild and very breathy and I was diagnosed with glaucoma at a very young age, in both eyes sides of my eyes. I would attend church occasionally and loved the gospel and music worship, and the Muslim culture and faith and it was hard to embrace, because I would alone. I stopped drinking, wasn't smoking, never did drugs, had my attitude set on positivity, a straight and grounded faith, with an attraction to gay males, although never wanted more than to see them, and to just have relief and the flow of pleasure from what I know.
My grades slipped badly, my brother would tease me, and call me a girl, and to gain respect and closeness and eventually I became familiar with the trade of stealing to heal my needs and have that token of attachment for comfort or for closure as a reminder. "I knew not to eat candy and sweets, so I knew if I felt like eating sweets, I would eat a handful and if it was bad and taken by stealing and that was bad, I would feel comfort and no comfort from having stole but from the pain and for getting what I wanted , which was the pain to fille to an end of feeling suffering "
I used to crawl into the corner of my bunk bed and in my bedroom ball up into a ball and silently cry, and I for years said it was to help me breathe through migraines, why I would sing, rather than to keep silent, which the only time I needed to speak or wanted to , with anyone was when I was doing homework and need help understanding , being forced to recommit to my egucation. As a child I wanted to. Be a paramedic, as an adult a life coach and investor. Very much under and fully studied alike.
I started drinking and at that point was stealing and lieng which was easily broken from my faith and self respect evolvment alone ,I had two cousins two girls and one younger boy I was closer with growing up who live also in Jacksonville, and I would not steal, but take the Barbie's we had played with and not played with them but for unknown reasons, other than comfort on knowing I was close to someone whom I loved and knew it was wrong and wasn't trying to steal nor validate it for psychological stability in being a femininely male whom wanted to just grow out of it, and thought I would. so as you grow through that season of life, some do outgrow old things and some don't and those who do, have recognizing recognition of the return and move forward without having to look back , because they know what growing is, out of time and having self respect for wanting to grow. I have done that since i turned 21 years old. Every person needs time from their past wether seconds by seconds, by hours by then or then months, in time whether long/short, long or from recent to heal and collect and process, eventually liars believe their truths, and men cheat on their souls without knowing as to who they are even when looking in the mirror.
I did. Honestly think I could outgrow and think many people think it happens at random for gays to outgrow the ways, like having a gay sex experience, that happens only ounce for an entire season, then which isn't shared by others and possibly yourself, however in its own rythm of time , in its own way , it comes back around and you feel it.
, around the age of 10 was when I started, I loved anything I could drink, schnapps , gin, whiskey, rum, vodka. In middle school I would drink nearly ever week about twice a week until my sophomore year in highschool, I had girls whom I felt would Mac me and joined who lived nearby and we're on my level and enjoyed either the times , attention, fun, personalities we had, etc.
I never got into fights and had eventually started wearing drag, anyway I could as a little kid, a mop was my girlfriend and then it was my penis, then I had periods I want to wear lingere robes and walk around in heels , nothing outrageous and normal some ways, I took to skipping school in highschool, I wasn't social much in the last year, and wrote allot, would design architecture allot as i stated since 21,i recognized the patterns the attitudes and issues of my life, wether ill health, immorality, made time for myself while no-one has yet still and does and needs to, even if desires, i learned having a positive and worth lifestyle of my own; life-coach.
so ounce i could drive and got my own income ad could stay out late, i made male friends who were gay, because i knew they danced and were fun, and i considered myself straight and nuetral, i wasn't looking and they were not going to be asking so i had time to focus on important things as far as i was concerned. I dated older men whom would be gay and showed me how to smoke a joint, or who wanted to show me how to have fun just being friends and never really sexual but inappropriate for a teenager\young adult.
I had my first mutual by force real gay and unwanted gay boyfriend at 18 and we dated for four days and on the second day our first date nearly almost had sex, I was a ball of nerves and all he wanted and wants is sex, otherwise I do and still love him and would want to be with him.
My next real boyfriend came shortly after I was ready in my 20's and he was older in his mid to late 20's and was a wiz at marketing. So basically my relationships with men became strained from the lack of physical strecthing of communication rather than limitations and verbal pain and limitations from those that I was close with. While I was young I stayed in good shape, was thin, had a tidy look, and style, keep an organized life, enjoyed fashion marketing and music composing and spent time swimming and working out, doing yard work, normal stuff, like walking around, going to the park, hanging out with friends + , I didn't have any reminder or healed wounds just new days and privacy, never time unless made to collect and sort my truths from my lies and to recollect my defense in my faith of my spirit, as a man and child of God, as a woman* .
I would like to say I invented a lifestyle around being a versatile American mixed and gender fluid-hetero flexible male who's both college edgucated, cultured, experienced, religious, a professional life coach, with a major secondary liscence as a stock broker, as a massage and skin paramedical technician and plastic surgeon laser technician, a CDL-A liscenced, human who's neither looking for time by myself to replace love , as I haven't since 2009 and to be healed by letting go what I have come to full respect and distance with in 2016 with complete closure that, I need my own time to heal from what life has made working and living for my own self for children for marriage for pets, without peace and trust within and by my own faith\heart. Allah is enough and I believe. As a child still at 31, I still want and get to make my next steps and as life I do so like all men alone , with interest. I want to settle down in all ways not just on time of ages, but as Allah Akbar, all the time, all the ways. Needing nothing, being given and offered more than enough and all i handle as enough for him to share with another who's for me.
I just don't want that person to be a male, to be old, to be in my age group, to be my gender, to be as equally damaged by me as I have been, or as themselves out of ignorance for and from accepting Fate, hatred and out of living in growing times, of reality, and I hold that trust with every person I meet and date.
In closure I think today; I am not there yet with everyone and there and those are people whom I can't keep in my life and I know , pass or come and go out of my life, and I however much helping myself helped them which I am greatful for, but have not found more interest in working than being in love, and helping myself, if I could momentally lf need-by, and not just when allowed, because I think I would be a renouned coach, and advocate for human rights. I would have the strength to have a relationship of commitment and not have that fear of betrayal, possession, manipulation, etc...
